please excuse any grammatical errors. my editor is on vacation.
I'd be lying if I told you last week was not a challenging week. I'd also be silly to think that you would want to sit and read about my all woe's, so we'll bypass that. Or at least most of it. What I do want to share is what I've learned. It's one of those humdingers of a lesson. The kind that makes you want to hide under the covers and not come out until you are 100% sure you are not a complete a-hole.
So here it goes....
To me Nashville is the equivalent to what Los Angeles is to actors. Instead, we are songwriters, musicians and bands. I moved here for music and to grow as a writer/performer. As of lately tho, I have been re-thinking all of this music-ness. I've had very little desire to go to any of the hundreds of shows that happen every night here. And while I know it should be about the music and supporting each other...I've found in my personal experience that it's all too easy for it become a night of boozing and schmoozing.
I kinda just want to stay at home, cook and hang out with my cat.
Perhaps it's all the yoga-ing I'm doing... It seems my yoga practice has become a sort of survival mechanism these days and I simply couldn't live without it. Not yoga in a physical sense but as a mindset, an everyday way of being. Maybe I'm scared that if I continue on this path of music and trying to "make it" I will jeopardize the precious instances of peace I do experience.
Or maybe I am just getting older and craving the richness of authenticity in my life.
So, while having a rather shitty day last week, I got pretty negative about music and the Nashville scene. In my defense I was sick and felt that despair one feels when they are in their 30's in a city that is still fairly new, without a whole lot of close friends to lean on. Nonetheless, in my head I was over being here and letting Nashville have it. I hate this city. Everyone here is only out for themselves. It's all about who your know and what a person can do for you. This town is not for me.
It all felt so icky and ingenuine.
After I basted in this for an unhealthy amount a time, I did what I knew the Yogi in me could do. Which is take that finger pointing out there at everyone else, turn it inward towards me and ask, How is this a reflection of me? Am I ever inauthentic? Do I ever hang out with people that I normally wouldn't if I i didn't think they could somehow to help me out or do something for ME??
Now, I am by no means saying I am an awful, no good, superficial person. I will say that if I take a long hard look at myself since I've been in the music industry, there have for sure been instances where I have hung around folks I don't reeeeeally want to be with, stayed out longer than I wanted, and drank more than I needed to just to... what? To hang with the cool kids? Maybe get an opening slot for someone or something?
It all started to feel way too much like high school again. Firstly, if I have to be drinking to hang out with people or be at a particular place, then perhaps it's time cast a line in a different pond. When I turned that guitar pickin' finger back towards me, I realized I've dishonored myself time and time again. Putting myself in situations where my motives for being there were not pure and a big ol' punch in the gut to my truest, most authentic self. If I'm going to spend my time with someone, I want to be able to say--- This person is awesome. I feel a genuine connection here. I'm so inspired by this absolute badass and I can totally see us developing a depthful, meaningful friendship.
Bottom line, I'm ready to stop doing the things my heart is not aligned with. Seems the more I practice mindfulness, the cheaper not honoring my true-self feels.
So what can I say...maybe I'll be shacking up with my cat, Lester for a bit longer while I figure out how to create relationships with people and places that JUST. MAKE. MY HEART. FEEL. GOOD.
Oh yea, and I'm not gonna beat myself up for not always being awesome. What a waste of time THAT is. Forgiving myself.... I'm gonna work on that.
ANYWAY, here is a meditation that, when done consistently, has helped tremendously.
It's called, Caliber for Constant Self-Authority. Click HERE for the link
Onward my friend,